* BDSM Resources

I plan to write more in the future about my advice on how to enter, take advantage of, and enjoy the BDSM community; I just haven’t gotten around to it yet. (Yes, there is an entire community for people who love Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and/or Masochism. Because there are a lot of us. BDSM can mean very different things to different people, and there are a lot of activities that can fall under the BDSM umbrella; such activities might include spanking, Master/slave role-playing, handcuffs, cages, razor blades, or all kinds of other things.)

The BDSM subculture is an interesting place with its own social mores, ideals and pitfalls. If you’re new, then I advise you to be cautious. Don’t believe everything you hear or read — get second, third, and fourth opinions on everything you can.

First and Foremost

If you are seeking medical, legal or other professional help for a BDSM-related problem, I recommend glancing over the Kink Aware Professionals list hosted on the website of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. When I was going through my own complicated and difficult BDSM coming-out process, I tried two therapists from the KAP list. One of them didn’t really get me, but the second was wonderfully helpful — so, if you’re looking for a therapist, don’t be afraid to shop around until you find the right fit.

Books

My personal favorite beginner BDSM books are The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. If you look for those books on Amazon.com, you will also see a lot of interesting related books in the “Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought” section. I remember liking Jay Wiseman’s SM101, although I know some people who have mixed feelings about it; a number of people recommend Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon, but I’ve never read it myself.

If you’re thinking of coming out to a loved one, I recommend the book When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine W. Liszt. I’ve also heard good things about the “Parents of Alternative Sexuality” pamphlet by Dr. Amy Marsh.

If you, like me, are particularly attracted to the idea of needle piercing, there’s a great book called Play Piercing by Deborah Addington.

If you’re more interested in getting a feel for common BDSM philosophies and what the BDSM community is like — an anthropological perspective, one might say — then there’s a book by Mark Thompson called Leatherfolk, and a newer one by Staci Newmahr called Playing at the Edge.

Online Fora

I usually direct total newbies to this BDSM 101 page. And here is an example of a webpage on basic, practical BDSM advice. There are a lot of those, though, and they aren’t all carefully edited or moderated; so if you can manage it, then I suggest you try to get hold of one of the above how-to books rather than online how-to resources.

That said … overall, one of the best online BDSM resources is FetLife.com, the kinky social networking site. Once you have an account, you can join a huge variety of discussion groups about BDSM. FetLife is not a dating site; it’s more like a kinky Facebook (seriously). Another good online resource is the amazing sex education site Scarleteen.  Scarleteen offers a ton of advice on a ton of sexual topics, and has its own message boards.

The site Kink Academy has received some good reviews, and features video tutorials by some people who are pretty well-known in the community. You have to buy a membership, though.

The BDSM writer Ranai from Germany has labored long and hard to make an amazingly comprehensive, international, multilingual directory of kink resources. I haven’t gone through it extensively, but every time Ranai comments on my blog she’s brilliant, so I’m sure her directory is brilliant too.

In Person

If you’ve decided that you want to start attending workshops, discussion groups, parties, or other BDSM events in person, please keep in mind that not everyone is going to mesh well with their local BDSM groups. If you don’t like your local BDSM group, then don’t force yourself to participate! That said, I generally encourage people to get into their local community, because it truly can be an amazing resource — it’s way more than just a place to meet partners.

If you make an account on FetLife.com, you may be able to join groups for your area (for example, if you live in Chicago, then you should look for Chicago groups), where local issues or events will be discussed and publicized.

For those aged 18-35, many major cities have branches of The Next Generation, a.k.a. the local “kinky youth group”. Here’s the website for The Next Generation in Chicago.

If you live in Chicago, then you may find this Chicago Pansexual BDSM Calendar useful. As of January 2011, the calendar is irregularly maintained, but it still lists a huge number of local events and gives a lot of ideas about where to look further.

Blogs

You’ve already read all my archives and you want more BDSM blogs? Oh my goodness, there are so many.

I’d like to highlight Kink Research Overviews because he’s got the best perspective on actual research about BDSM; other than that, I’d rather not specifically mention other BDSM blogs because it feels like playing favorites. But I’ve got a badly-pruned blogroll on the right side of this page, which includes a rather sprawling amount of material, some of which has to do with BDSM.

If you want something more focused, I used to link to interesting BDSM-related stuff on my old Time Out Chicago “Love Bites” blog. (Here’s the archive for BDSM-related materials posted at Time Out’s site — not just stuff posted by me, though most of it is. Note that at one point that blog moved and the formatting on a lot of old posts got screwed up. My apologies.)

Good luck and have fun!