[ladypornday] BDSM Can Be “Love Sex” Too
2011 22 Feb
This post is for Rabbit Write’s Lady Porn Day.
I’m not a big porn consumer, but I have no problem with porn in itself. When I have a problem with porn, it’s because I have a problem with how it was made: because there are labor issues, or questions of the actors’ consent. Sometimes, I get frustrated with the context in which porn exists or the stereotypes it expresses — but there, the problem is with the context and the stereotypes, not with porn in itself. I tend to think that most anti-porn anxiety arises from irrational grossed-out reactions and stereotype-created fears, and I try to open up conversations about the ethics of making porn whenever I can.
This isn’t to say I don’t get angry because many people in our society are pressured to have sex that doesn’t work for them — but that’s not the fault of porn. I certainly get frustrated by sexual stereotypes, but I don’t think porn created those stereotypes.
One stereotype I’ve been thinking about a lot lately — one that I see expressed over and over in BDSM porn — is the idea that BDSMers don’t love our partners, or that love can’t be part of a BDSM relationship. Last month I posted a quotation from the writer Patrick Califia that touched on this … here’s the relevant paragraph (which contains spoilers about the endings of three famous BDSM novels — Story of O, Return to the Chateau and Nine And A Half Weeks):
I still remember how crushed I was when I read Story of O and Return to the Chateau and came to the ending, where Sir Stephen loses interest in O and tells her to kill herself. I can also remember being furious with the way Nine And A Half Weeks (the book, not the movie) ends. The submissive woman has a public breakdown. She begins to cry hysterically, and is abandoned by her master, so that strangers have to obtain help for her. One of the cruelest stereotypes of S/M people is that we don’t love each other, that there is something about our sexual style that makes our relationships mutually destructive and predisposes us to suicide.
This came back to mind during a conversation I had a few days ago: I was talking to a girl who really likes BDSM sex but referred to non-BDSM sex as “love sex”. Because, you know, love is just not an ingredient in BDSM sex. “Everyone knows” that — the same way “everyone knows” that BDSM always arises from childhood abuse, or dominant sadism is for villains, or everyone who likes BDSM is damaged and miserable and irresponsible, or ….
Not to put too fine a point on it: fuck that.
I’m not saying there’s no BDSM smut out there with love in it. Anne Rice’s Beauty series ends with Beauty riding off into the sunset with her loving sadomasochistic partner (although of course the characters deal with all kinds of uncaring brutality first). But even nuanced BDSM erotica seems to fall into this trap more often than not — for example, Jacqueline Carey’s Kushiel’s Dart, which is so consciously written that it includes safewords, also portrays a main character whose most compelling BDSM relationships are with her enemies and whose love relationship is with a man who can’t stand to hurt her. (Carey took a very different tack later in the series, with other characters; I’ve always wondered whether she did so as a reaction to criticism.)
It’s easier to criticize than create. And all my porn critiques could come back and bite me soon, because I plan on releasing my own BDSM smut sometime this year (if only to see if the online publishing model can actually make money) … and I’m sure that what I produce won’t even be close to perfect. Yet one thing I really want to ensure I represent in whatever I write is love. There are plenty of BDSM fantasies that partly operate on the absence of love — that even demand it, perhaps because the fantasy is all about a vicious and emotionally distant dominant, or because much of the erotic tension is derived from how much the partners hate each other, or for lots of other reasons. And yeah, they’re hot ….
But it’d be so great if those weren’t the standard.
I’ll leave you with some thoughtful porn/erotica links I turned up lately:
* Gender and Misogyny: Responsibility and Erotic Writing, by Corey Alexander
* Rewriting Herstory Through Erotic Romance (Love, Anonymously), by Kama Spice at Racialicious
* 7 Ways To Create A Sex-Positive Critique of Porn, by Charlie Glickman
* Sex blogger Maymay wrote a critique of Lady Porn Day that I thought was interesting and important. Again, I really don’t care about what kind of porn an individual might like … but I think an activist event like Lady Porn Day has different responsibilities from an individual wanking in the bedroom, and that such an event should offer porn ideas that bust scripts and attack stereotypes whenever possible. In other words — I have no problem absolving people for their personal non-politically correct sexual desires, but if we’re going to talk about diversity of porn and trying to set new standards, then I think those conversations should make as much space for different sexual desires as they possibly can.
* And on a non-porn note, there is an actual study out there establishing that consensual S&M increases intimacy among participants. You’d think they could have just asked us rather than doing a study … but, you know, that’s cool.
Tags: BDSM, books, pornography, stigma
Thank you!
As you know but some of your readers may not, I’ve long played primarily, and for long stretches exclusively, with my spouse. The heaviest, scariest, hardest scenes of my life have also been the most intimate and connected and emotionally fulfilling. I can let go and be pushed very far as a bottom in part because of that relationship. I can also, as a top, push my spouse to emotionally and physically fraught territory in part because we have a close, loving relationship. In my life, hot and hard and loving have gone hand-in-hand.
re: BDSM fiction and suicidal submissives…
I think it’s important to remember that this has become a popular device in fiction. A cliche, like the fantasy character who as a child enjoys climbing things and sneaking around and grows up to be a rogue.
I think if you make a snap judgment to rationalize your distaste for BDSM – the Kinksters don’t love each other idea can certainly come up. But I think anyone who thinks about it for a minute has to see that there is a certain element of the star crossed lover who can’t live without their other half, where instead of being Montague and Capulet – their star crossed lover is a jerk.
The lover who cannot live without their other half is as old as love stories. Romeo and Juliet being the classic example. The BDSM twist is the idea that the dominant is a jerk about it and can disconnect once the partner ceases to be attractive/of use/etc – but that’s the pornographic equivalent of not using lube in sodomy porn. It might make for a more entertaining experience for the audience – but the reality is that outside of fiction – the overwhelming norm is to use lube (and restrain your jerk behavior to mutually consensual and ethical circumstances).
As someone who gets off on violent rape porn – what I’m getting off on is the fantasy. When I play out those sort of scenes in meat space – what I’m getting off on is the fact that my consenting partner is getting off on this dark and twisted scene. When I’m doing S&M play – I get off on the fact that the person I’m hurting is processing that as something good. I know people who ‘put up with’ the pain because they enjoy the relationship with a kinky partner – and I can’t think of a bigger turn off.
“One stereotype I’ve been thinking about a lot lately — one that I see expressed over and over in BDSM porn — is the idea that BDSMers don’t love our partners, or that love can’t be part of a BDSM relationship.”
I hate this stereotype. I hate it with every fiber of my being. I am involved in a Mistress/slave relationship and I love my husband-slave with all of my heart. He is the most precious thing in my life. During a scene I might act like a heartless bitch but at the end of it, I give him affection and love.I have helped pay for his education, provided for him, led him, and supported him emotionally.
I have even heard some people in the BDSM community express the idea that BDSM is somehow opposed to love and it always annoys me most there. I may be a deeply sadistic and strict Dom, but at the same time it is about genuine and abiding love. That’s one of the big reasons why in real-life (as opposed to fantasy) consent is so important.
And it’s not like vanilla sex is immune to being used as a weapon, not just in terms of rape, but in emotional wars as well. It’s not as if vanilla folks are immune to having emotionless “meets a physical need” fucking. After all, terms like “grudge fuck” and “mercy fuck” and so on are terms that originated for things vanilla folks do to each other.
Yaaaaaargh!!!!
No shits man. There tends to be this sort of, profound intentional ignorance towards this kind of.. dialectic dance that is bdsm-flavored romance. There is a lot that, for me, is too sensitive to just you know, take a “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” approach to or conduct with people that don’t love me (in whatever flavors and arrangements that comes in..) As Thomas rightly points out, there are some things (places to go?) that just don’t work without the heavy context of a meaningful relationship around them.
But a lot of porn formulas function both on the idea of separating emotion from sex, as well as context being unimportant… (I don’t know what porn you regularly consume, Clarisse, I’m not a big viewer myself.) I think that the written erotica has done a much better job at conveying a lot of the emotion of suspense, terror, humiliation and the like, because of the medium-specific ability to “step inside” a first-person narrative.
Also, yeah I think the whole “lover who can’t stand to hurt her” concept in the Kushiel’s series was definitely one of the more “Aaagh!” aspects, although the idea that all of her “violent” “suitors” held profound feelings for her was maybe the redeeming quality there, as is the acknowledgement that no, a taste for BDSM does not mean that one can’t also enjoy “vanilla” sex that is also immensely satisfying. So, kind of a toss up, imo. (And shh, no I did not just admit to enjoying smut fiction. No I did not. I am much too intellectual and academic for that, I don’t know what you’re talking about…)
Great post!
ALL sex can be used to damage, manipulate, demoralize or otherwise cause significant harm, emotional, spiritual or otherwise. Period.
The fact that we’d prefer to stereotype sexual preferences into “bad” or “good” not only stereotypes them, but also allows us to keep doing “good” sex – even if we use it to harm. We can pretend the pain we cause other people is OK because we hide it in “vanilla” sex.
It also keeps us from allowing ourselves and others to explore the full depths of our own fantasies because “that sex is bad.” From BDSM to rape fantasy – these are all LEGIT sexual turn-ons that DO NOT have to come from a dark place. We shouldn’t vilify those that enjoy them, nor should we shame ourselves if we think we might like them.
We all need a partner(s) who care about us and respect us to fully explore those. Period.
It was interesting that the quoted girl was into bdsm too. Ok, it’s an anecdote, but i also saw first-hand people talking about (fairly light, true) bondage and sm activities – that were just happening – not being “sex”. (i couldn’t tell the difference, but that’s me)
My point, is, (which i’m actually reluctant to make, but later on that), is whether it’s some typical stereotype f “love sex can only be made that way and no other”, or is there (also) another thing – that the differentiation between love sex and bdsm allows to a person to have monogamous “love relationship” and bdsm-play partners at the same time, without getting too much internal conflict?
Or am i seeing things through my poly glasses?
@Ari — I don’t know what porn you regularly consume, Clarisse, I’m not a big viewer myself.
Yeah, me neither. I occasionally track a couple of tumblrs run by kink writers whose theory I think is amazing (like Orlando C’s “333 Images”, or Maymay’s “Male Submission Art”) and sometimes those images turn me on. I’ve seen kink video porn that turns me on too, but for the most part, none of that stuff turns me on enough to be worth the time. I’m more interested in fiction. This particular stereotype (the “BDSM is not about love” one) comes out loud and clear in a lot of video porn AND in fiction AND in pop culture, I think.
@Tomek — i also saw first-hand people talking about (fairly light, true) bondage and sm activities – that were just happening – not being “sex”.
yeah that’s an interesting one too, right? I have such mixed feelings about that, and so much to say that it’ll surely end up being another article sometime …. Certainly when I was first getting into SM, I differentiated BDSM play very sharply from sex. But then I started broadening my definition of “sex” and realizing how socially constructed it all is, and wondering what the hell the point was of me insisting that I didn’t have sex with a guy if he beat the hell out of me and made me cry and then calmed me down and stroked my hair afterwards. Sure, we didn’t have intercourse, but something sexual had happened there. Hadn’t it?
On the other hand, there are lots of old traditions of SM that don’t include what we think of as sexual intercourse, too (e.g. religious pain-endurance traditions like some of the stuff you see with the conservative religious organization Opus Dei).
Anyway, it’s a complicated question, and more complicated when we start thinking about political angles like the idea of sexual orientation. Someday I’ll write a lot more about this.
Oh, and a big 100% co-sign to all the points about how “vanilla sex” can easily be used to harm people too!
Generally there is a HUGE difference between porn and erotica, and I don’t see that discussed here at all. I’d be worried if love started showing up as an aspect of BDSM porn, because it certainly isn’t a staple of vanilla porn— it would be a sign that we were holding kinksters to a much higher standard. When it comes to erotica, however… well, that’s typically a different genre with different standards, and I agree that love is often one of those standards in vanilla erotica, so it probably should be in BDSM erotica, too.
To be completely honest, it’s never been clear to me what the difference is between porn and erotica. It seems to be a typical “know it when I see it” distinction, and very inconsistent. Any attempt at a boundary seems to be demonstrated fluid in the end. This is an opinion shared by many porn and erotica creators who I know.
As far as I can tell from usage that I’ve seen, the difference between erotica and porn is roughly this:
“I appreciate tasteful nudity in art (since I am a high, upstanding, moral, member of society!)”
“You admire erotica (and there’s nothing wrong with that)”
“They use porn (filthy scum that they are)”
I can’t see any genuine purpose to it other than to create a false distinction between the porn that the “right” (i.e. wealthy, ruling class) people like and the porn that the “wrong” (poor, or uncultured, or otherwise determined to be no-star-belly sneetches) people like.
Isn’t there a line about “artistic merit” in the US obscenity laws? Same thing. “Artistic merit” is determined not by any objective measure but by the standards of what the “right” people like versus what the “wrong” people like.
So I use the terms interchangeably (using “erotica” when I want to be terribly polite, and “porn” the rest of the time, generally).
Last month I posted a quotation from the writer Pat Califia that touched on this
Correction: Patrick Califia, not Pat Califia, though he previously published under that name.
Corrected. I wonder if Mr. Califia has trouble with people failing to find his previous work.
(Re-reading your post, I realized I had some thoughts to share)
I’ve always found it very odd when BDSM sexual practices are posited opposite love and affection. To me, BDSM is very loving.
Personally, I’ve found I don’t feel like I fit in with “the scene” because the idea of being, say, flogged by someone who is not my partner seems too impersonal and would be weird for me, as someone oriented towards monogamy, as it would be akin to my having sex with someone who is not my partner (which isn’t something I’m interested in pursuing).
Nikki B:
The fact that we’d prefer to stereotype sexual preferences into “bad” or “good” not only stereotypes them, but also allows us to keep doing “good” sex – even if we use it to harm. We can pretend the pain we cause other people is OK because we hide it in “vanilla” sex.
Yes just like many other things in life (like religion for instance) sex can and often is used as away to distinguish “us” from “them”.
To be completely honest, it’s never been clear to me what the difference is between porn and erotica.
As far as I can tell the only difference I’ve ever detected or seen people try to maintain is that erotica is porn + build up. As in erotica will spend 2 scenes building up to sex whereas porn will pretty much start at the sex. But as you say the lines have been so blurred its next to impossible to tell the difference.
@Clarisse: Which obviously reminds us of how sex is sometimes equated to PIV intercourse. Well, so i heard and i think it still somewhat does deep in my mind. But in the end there is realization that the difference between “sex” as intercourse and “not sex” is blurry. And blurrier and blurrier, as you write yourself.
Which reminds me of exactly the same process that happened to my view on love vs. friendship. When i was very young i used to think that they are totally separate and different things, and then reality disagreed.
But if i remember well, you think the same, so i guess it’s nothing really new to you. I too am confused by the whole pain/sex/pleasure thing. Is the certain kind of low intensity pain i tend to enjoy sexual? Is it pain at all? It seems different and yet it seems similar.
I don’t know. It only reminds me of Freud ‘sexuality’ – he didn’t really differentiated between anything, and “sexual pleasure” was for him any pleasure (at least that’s what i think reading him, official interpretation may vary). And since i think he had a great intuition, there might be something into it. Or simply it could be a continuum. With unspecified amount of dimensions, pleasure as one, sexuality as another and so on.
Hm, the whole thing looks like some crusade against binary dichotomies now, lol. Anyway, it’ll be interesting to read what you think when you’ll write about this.
(i think sexual orientation is complicated even when not taking politics into account!)
Oh, and totally agree on weirdness of porn/erotica/nude art. My personal definition is that porn is about sexual arousement in the story/item, erotica is about physical beauty (uh-oh), and art is about interpretation. But i tend to consume only the first thing, so, yeah.
I’m with SnowdropExplodes on this one, the only grande distinction I’ve ever been able to determine between “porn” and “erotica” was a value-based judgement on what is “valid” and what isn’t.
I’d rather just say the whole thing is awash and that, I LOVE PORN but what I think of as “porn” (erotic, predominantly black&white, photography that tends toward high-contrast and “art” as much as it tends towards naked bodies and bondage) might deviate pretty sharply from what most people think of when you say “porn” (money shots.)
I’m willing to distinguish sexual acts from sexual intercourse (or just intercourse if one wants) but that’s as far as I’m willing to go. It’s sort of like trying to deny that categories have any meaning whatsoever. In the state of nature if PIV doesn’t occur then no new humans are born, and that is IT, finis. Doesn’t sound very “freeing” to me.
As for BDSM in general, it gets a bad rap on that we can all agree.
As a general rule of thumb ‘erotica’ applies to all things written, and also to visual content with emotional story lines, whereas porn is typically just visual depictions of sex acts, period. Although they can overlap in practice, when people talk in hypotheticals (in my experience anyway), they’re referring to these platonic ideals of ‘porn’ and ‘erotica’ in which the lines are clear. I do get what you’re saying now, though. Just wanted to make sure you weren’t recommending BDSM porn be held to a higher standard of emotional content than other forms of porn.
so interesting!! some of my thoughts are at the link below (on my site PVVOnline.com), but I would love to communicate more with you on this subject.
cheers and wonderful work,
ct
http://pvvonline.com/?p=670
Great post but maybe you should put a spoiler warning in front of the quote about Return to the Chateau… kind of just ruined the ending for me.