Body chemistry and S&M
2011 30 Jan
The above image — a postcard, showing a pinup-style girl with the text “I gained 30 pounds … & sex has never been better!” — is courtesy of PostSecret, the community art project to which people mail in postcards featuring secrets they’ve never told anyone before.
I often think that good physical health is a widely-ignored element of good sex. I am obviously not saying that people in poor health can’t have good sex (and in fact, I certainly hope they do — more power to ‘em). But it consistently amazes me how much my physical health factors into my sexuality, especially S&M. I am by no means an expert on this topic, but here are some examples:
* Food. I am both less interested in sex and in S&M when I’m hungry; ensuring that I’ve eaten well before I take some punishment is especially crucial. I try to eat well in general, but if I’m planning to have a heavy S&M encounter, I don’t cut myself any slack. I try to specifically ensure that I eat enough protein before the date and I try to include some vitamin-heavy foods like beets, leafy green vegetables, etc. Eggs are a good source of protein, as are nuts (I was wrong about a previous statistic on eggs that I included here; see comments). If I don’t have enough protein available for whatever reason, I at least eat enough food that I won’t be hungry when I see my partner.
Part of the reason I’m writing this right now is that I’ve had trouble finding useful resources on the Internet for what people recommend as good pre- or post-S&M food, especially during aftercare. “Aftercare” is an S&M term for how people end their S&M encounters. This excellent page on aftercare describes it thusly (note: “top” is a blanket term for a dominant and/or sadist, and “bottom” is a blanket term for submissive and/or masochist):
Aftercare is the last act of the SM drama. It is the culmination, the pulling together of all loose ends, the finishing touches, the final communion between sharers of the SM ritual, the phase where the participants (usually the tops) formally give the fantasy scene a context in everyday reality. Its technical purpose is to transition both players from the elevated states created in a scene [i.e., an S&M encounter] back into normalcy, returning to the motor control and awareness they will need to drive home once the scene is over. But as any good SM practitioner will tell you, it’s much more than that. It is the time after the action when the participants come together in mutual affirmation that something special was created and shared. It is when affection and closeness is offered and sought. It is, at very least, the proper time to express thanks to the person who has shared this tiny segment of your life with you. It can be, and often is, the most beautiful part of a scene, and it is part of the scene. To skip it altogether is as rude as having dinner at a friend’s house and then bolting once you’ve eaten your fill.
A lot of tops keep food and water on hand to give bottoms at the end of a scene, which I think is probably a good idea. (Eating post-scene doesn’t feel necessary for me as a bottom, but it might if I weren’t so careful about what I eat beforehand.) Some people say that fruit or fruit juice is the way to go — and indeed, it will give the bottom’s system a sugar boost and may make them feel better for that reason — but I would personally rather eat a protein bar, and I have some friends who feel the same way. Dungeons usually serve snacks, although the snacks aren’t always very healthy.
A final note on food: I know there are people who specifically include food deprivation as part of their S&M. Obviously, this is totally fine by me as long as it is consensual, but I’d encourage people not to expect themselves — or their partners — to react the way they usually do to S&M, as long as they’re hungry.
* Weight. I used to be much scrawnier than I am now, and as my health has improved, I’ve gained weight. Sometimes this freaks me out (it’s impossible to be female in our society and not daydream about having cheekbones that can stab people), but it has been worth it. One time, after I’d been having a lot of anxiety about weight gain, my then-boyfriend emailed me the above PostSecret postcard and perceptively wrote: “Maybe that’s why it’s easier for you to have orgasms now? I think you should investigate this if you try to lose weight.”
I am not in a position to comment about whether being overweight affects sex. But I can definitely assure you that being underweight is not good for your sexual well-being.
* Sleep. I much prefer to have S&M encounters on days when I’ve gotten a lot of sleep the night before; this is at least as crucial as eating well before an encounter. There are approximately a billion studies that show the far-reaching effects that getting enough sleep can have on our health, and they seem to usually recommend around 7-8 hours as a good amount per night (more for teenagers).
As with food, I know there are people who include sleep deprivation as part of their S&M encounters. Again, this is obviously fine by me as long as it is consensual, but I’d encourage people not to expect themselves — or their partners — to react the way they usually do to S&M, as long as they’re tired. I don’t know about you, but exhaustion certainly makes me erratic and overly emotional. If you’re going to be doing something like S&M that can specifically create an erratic and overly emotional state … well, when overlapping that with exhaustion, it just seems like a good idea to be careful.
* Alcohol. Alcohol definitely decreases my pain tolerance (quite dramatically in fact), and it definitely makes it harder for me to get turned on. There is only one bonus to alcohol, and that’s the famous “social lubricant” effect. I personally prefer to limit myself to one glass of wine, maaaaybe two, if I’m planning to hook up with someone; in general, stone-cold sobriety is my preferred state to go into S&M. Good S&M makes me high enough on its own.
I get the impression that some people get drunk before they do S&M because otherwise they feel too anxious to do S&M. As always, I’m not going to tell other people that they shouldn’t do consensual things … but drunkenness frequently makes it hard to communicate and hard to know what’s going on in your head, which means that drunkenness makes consent hard. Not impossible, just hard. Be careful.
I am not qualified to comment on other drugs because I, of course, never do anything illegal. But for all your drug-related questions the website Erowid.org is often very useful.
* Illness. I don’t have any particular observations about how being sick changes my experience of S&M, but it definitely does. When I get sick and I have the option to reschedule a date, I always do.
* Menstrual cycle. I haven’t tracked my cycle with enough care to know exactly how it affects me S&M-wise, but I’m pretty sure it does. As one of the good people at EduKink once observed, “The great part about playing with a woman is that you have 28 different partners, one for each day of the month!”
I don’t usually write entries like this, so hey, readers: if this was helpful for you, let me know. And, as always, other perspectives and opinions are welcome!
This is another PostSecret postcard, and features a woman running with the text “I run best when I orgasm first”.
Tags: advice, BDSM, communication
http://www.nature.com/ijir/journal/v22/n4/abs/ijir201011a.html
Summary version was that over a reasonably broad, 12 month study – men with higher BMI’s were found to last longer in bed. Apparently due to higher levels of estradiol.
I’d make a strong recommendation for functional training. From my own experience, arousal seems to relate to what your body is capable of doing, and the amount of activity that it’s able to ramp up for; increase your general capabilities, and you increase the amount of arousal that your body’s able to sustain.
Anything that involves quick ramp/quick recovery, like certain variations on interval training (e.g., Fartlek or PACE), also seems to be useful.
Ha ha ha. Unfortunately, that’s only a bonus if you’re compatible with all 28 of them. ;-)
“Two eggs contain as much protein as the average person needs in a day”? Not in my book! An egg contains six grams of high-quality protein. The recommended daily protein intake for an adult varies from 40 to 70 grams, depending on gender, size and age. (My own metabolism tends to do best on lots of protein, so I strive for 65 grams, although I often miss.)
Otherwise, a nice article. Nuts are also a good pre- or post-play snack — an ounce of almonds has the same amount of protein as an egg, and can be carried in a pocket or handbag (or toybag).
@Janet — Wow, I am totally starstruck that you commented here.
I am surprised about the eggs thing, but I believe you. I heard that statistic from a doctor who gave a health lecture to my company when I was in the Third World. Perhaps I misinterpreted it somehow, or she meant it as a minimum or something … thanks for the correction!
@Scootah — Much as I object to any study that reduces “sex” to “penis-in-vagina sex”, the link is appreciated ;)
I just wanted to add that eating is not an apolitical or morally neutral activity. I would encourage anyone into BDSM to consider the extreme exploitation and hypocrisy that goes into daily participation in the torture, abuse, slaughter, and death of unconsenting nonhuman animals–not to mention the exploitation of the female reproductive system that is the foundation of the dairy industry. Anyone who does not support degradation, violence or insemination/reproduction without consent should be appalled by this, rather than overlook it without questioning.
For more on BDSM and animal rights, see: http://consensualcages.com/manifesto
see also:
http://challengeoppression.com/2010/05/03/a-cows-milk-is-not-yours-to-take/
Thank you, Christine. I’m vegetarian myself, not vegan, but I respect veganism a lot, and I agree that consent is a key question in animal treatment.
I love this post and I’ve found your site here a great resource, particularly coming from a fellow Chicagoan!
Thanks.
I find your note on alcohol interesting. In most cases I’ve experienced, bottoms tend to have higher pain tolerance when they’ve had alcohol. Of course, there could well be a difference between pain responses over the different levels of alcohol consumption as well. I’ve only bottomed once when I had been drinking, and at the time I felt like my pain tolerance was crappy, but the marks afterward seem to indicate otherwise (granted, the alcohol could have had something to do with that too).
Personally, I sometimes find it useful as a top to have a couple of drinks before play. For me, it breaks down my filters, so I’m more likely to say what I want to do without first thinking about how the other person might react, which actually makes for better communication. Lightly buzzed is as far as I go though, and there are some activities which I won’t even go that far (when throwing a singletail, for example). Generally, the more physical skill something requires, the less I can/will drink beforehand.
I did once play when solidly tipsy (but not drunk); a pretty basic flogging scene. Though it turned out fine, I was less accurate than I would have liked, and I feel like both of us could have enjoyed the scene more if I’d had less to drink.
I think your “otherwise they feel too anxious to do S&M” comment is dead-on, though I wouldn’t phrase it as an absolute implying that without alcohol S&M wouldn’t happen at all. In my experience, after some people have had a few, they are just more able to relax and enjoy the ride, as it were.
@Sammael, hmm, that’s interesting. Maybe “lower pain tolerance” isn’t quite how to put it … it could be more like I simply enjoy pain less when I’m drunk? Not sure about this one, as I don’t have a huge number of data points.
I concede that, as a lifelong teetotaler and an adult child of alcoholics, my perspective on this may seem overly abstemious. Drinking before bottoming seems like a moderately bad idea (reduced understanding of what one’s body is doing plus reduced clotting), but the sort of risk tolerance decision that reasonable people make. I’m fairly horrified by the idea of someone drinking and topping, though. I know lots of people do it, but I’m horrified by it.
All of us who do WIITWD know that things go wrong, physically and psychologically. Bottoms get into deep water, shut down and go nonverbal, go into the black hole zone where they’re unaware of damage. Safewords are imperfect, and the top always, always, always has a responsibility to look out for the welfare of the bottom. A top who has a buzz on can blow right past the signs that, instead of dazing out and surfing sensation, the bottom has crawled into a hole in the world trying to find sanctuary.
The SAM routine, with the bottom taunting and running zir mouth, may be playful, or it may be a nasty, antagonistic reaction from someone who shouldn’t continue but doesn’t know how to say when. A tipsy top can miss the difference that would be obvious to the same top.
I write a lot more about bottoming, but in practice I top, too, and I play with stuff that is dangerous and heavy, physically and mentally — my agreement with my spouse is that I don’t go into specifics about what she does as a bottom, so I won’t give examples. I get nervous. I get nervous topping my wife of over a decade. We’re not doing the same thing over and over; we’re trying things that move us, that transport us. Those things are powerful. In that endeavor, fear is not my enemy. I don’t want the edge off. Fear is my friend. It reminds me to check my risk tolerances.
Balls Out Reckless Kink is a great ethic for a tee shirt. In the real world, not so much. Topping is as much a responsibility as driving, and a lot more complicated.
re: pain tolerance Alcohol Alters your Endorphin and Dopamine Release rates.
Masochists for the most part get the enjoyment from pain when their body processes that pain and releases endorphins and dopamine into their brains. The sub space ‘high’ is essentially an endorphin and dopamine high in most cases. When you add alcohol to that process, you’re effectively messing with the dosage of your intoxicant. You’re adding a new ingredient to the chemical reaction that is your brain and altering the flow rate of those chemicals that get you off.
For some people, that’s a pleasant thing. For some people – it adds too many bumps to the ride. Like the difference between enjoying the ride and holding on waiting for it to get over.
The way your body and your brain process those chemicals and your response to pain is pretty unique to you and arbitrary. But there’s lots and lots of room for it to not be fun.
As an occasional recreational drug user and some one who’s spent a lot of time fucked up on a lot of substances, I mostly prefer to do one of those substances at a time. If I’m doing a heavy topping scene – with all the work and peripherals of toys and ropes and furniture and etc – it’s because I want to enjoy the top space moment. I want to get my head into that evil sadist space and ride that experience to the end. I don’t want that tainted with some other drug – be it alcohol or anything else. If I’m going to drop a pill – I don’t want to dilute that high with alcohol. If I’m going to trip and hallucinate – I want to ride the trip – not wander off on some other tangent.
As a Dungeon Monitor (a responsibility that I only take on absolutely sober) – I generally work on the assumption that if I wouldn’t be comfortable letting someone drive – I’m not comfortable with them playing. I know some people need to take the edge off before they can relax into a scene – especially at a public venue – and as a DM – my job is to be a stupidity filter, not some kind of overbearing nanny. I cut a few more allowances for people who I know well and who’s intoxication level I can reasonably judge from personal experience – but people who I’ve seen have a few drinks in the last hour or people who are visibly intoxicated – I usually intervene.
When I play – I do sometimes have a drink. Although my usual guideline is that I won’t use tools (rope/floggers/etc) if I’ve had more than one drink and I won’t use sharps/engage in high risk activities if I’ve had anything intoxicating at all. I do rough body play and rough sexual play with partners who are into that after a few drinks sometimes. But I think the margin for error is much, much wider during rough sex or a little play fighting than it is while swinging a single tail, or holding a knife.
While I love the idea of BORK – I do really try and be very risk aware, and chose my actions based on those risks and my ability to manage them.
Not wanting to derail anything, but the postcard from postsecret.com reminded me of a postcard I saved from the website to my harddrive a while ago and I think it is kinda relevant to the purpose of this blog. Maybe some of you have already seen it.
Picture
I can’t provide directlink to their website, but this is definitively from postsecret.com.
I will say that on the rare occasions when I’ve played with tops who were somewhat drunk (as in, more than one or two glasses of wine), I did feel that they were less responsive and less aware of my reactions than they otherwise would have been. I didn’t feel unsafe exactly, but they were people I already knew very well; I also didn’t really want to push my edges with them during those encounters. And they weren’t amazing encounters. It’s definitely not my preference, and I suspect that anyone who actually prefers to do SM while drunk is only like that because they really feel conflicted and anxious about the SM, which is something in itself that’s worth thinking about.
@Tim — yep, that’s one of my favorites! I’ve used it in several lectures.
FWIW, when I was still going to dungeons, I would always stop on my way home from a hamburger from a fast food place. It wasn’t the *greatest* food, but oh man, that good protein completed the process of my come-down.