Sex Communication Tactic Derived from S&M #3: Journal-Keeping
2010 30 Jul
I’d like to thank all the brave pioneers of the BDSM community, for plumbing the depths of human sexuality, and coming back with maps.
~ an unsourced quotation provided by commenter Motley on my gigantic manliness thread
I’ve already written about S&M checklists and S&M safewords, and how both those things can set really great examples for everyone’s sex life — not just us BDSMers. This entry will be about journal-keeping!
Some BDSMers play with really, really strong power dynamics. A good example of this is couples who choose a “24/7 dynamic”: one partner is dominant and the other is submissive … all the time. I attended a workshop once with Sir Top and slave bonnie, two wise BDSM educators, where I learned that slave bonnie was only ever allowed to disobey orders of two kinds:
* Suicidal orders,
* Orders that would cause financial ruin.
The rest of the time, bonnie obeyed Top — all the rest of the time.
Obviously, relationships like this are totally cool with me as long as they are — say it with me, everyone — 100% consensual! Such relationships can also encourage the use of interesting communication tactics, because many of the usual tactics don’t feel right to the participants. For example, these relationships often take place between people who feel such a strong power dynamic that it would be almost impossible for the submissive to feel comfortable safewording — safewording can feel disconcertingly like a form of resistance.
One way of dealing with this problem is for both partners to keep journals that are open to the other partner. (With some couples, only the submissive keeps an open journal.) They talk about their romantic feelings, they process their sexual encounters, they articulate anxieties, etc. Here’s an example of some great submissive journaling prompts. The idea is that it’s easier to express these things when there’s a designated space for it outside the relationship; the journals mean that partners (especially submissives) can talk about what they need without fearing that they’re undermining the power dynamic.
I find the concept of simultaneous journals intriguing for a number of reasons. One is that I’ve used similar tactics myself; I kept a private journal for many years, and once in a long while I’d give entries to my partners when I needed to explain something complicated about my feelings. I only did this a few times, ever, but it was really effective when I did.
Later, I took to writing love letters that I noticed were very similar to both my journal entries, and to the simultaneous relationship journals suggested for Master/slave couples. I realized that I was writing letters because, at the time, I felt more comfortable writing about my desires than talking about them. I’ve gotten a million times better at talking about my sexuality honestly and shamelessly since then; but back then, there were definitely things I wrote to my partners that I couldn’t have said aloud. I also wrote because — just like Master/slave couples — I wanted to communicate my feelings outside the anxiety-inducing frameworks of the “serious discussion”, the bedroom, etc.
So when I developed my sexual communication workshop, I encouraged love letters. I gave two suggested points of departure for a love letter:
1) Describe what happened during a sexual encounter you had together, with particular emphasis on what your partner did that you really liked — and what you liked about it. (“I love it when you fuck me” is a great thing to say, but you give much more information to your partner if you say “I love it when you fuck me from behind,” or even better, “I love it when you fuck me from behind and it feels amazing when your balls hit my clit.” This blog does not necessarily reflect the desires or encounters of Miss Clarisse Thorn.)
2) Describe a fantasy you have. Bonus points if you explicitly put your partner in it. (“I like to imagine you sinking your teeth into me until I scream.” This blog does not necessarily … oh, who am I kidding.)
Check out the previous posts in this series, Sex Communication Tactic Derived from S&M #1: Checklists and Sex Communication Tactic Derived from S&M #2: Safewords and Check-Ins.
Tags: advice, BDSM, communication, community, preferences, pro-sex outreach, terms
For what it’s worth, my brother (who’s my source for it) tells me that it’s from somebody’s signature at RPGnet. (Or something? I think it’s the same place that review of Fatal comes from.)
This blog does not necessarily … oh, who am I kidding.
You’re cracking me up, Miss Clarisse Thorn. :-D
This entire ‘Sex communication tactics derived from S&M’ series is great idea.
On journals I can’t contribute personal experiences, as we’re both too lazy to do it, but in general I believe journaling can be a good method.
Describe what happened during a sexual encounter you had together, with particular emphasis on what your partner did that you really liked
Yes! I find this a very lovely thing (in spoken word). Both ways. We mostly talk sex and kink while going on walks together, away from the bedroom, which also removes it from possible unfortunate ‘Do this with me now’ implications.
Just one hypothetical caveat I came to think of. If it’s for oneself, journals can of course be written in any way. To communicate wishes to a partner, perhaps people could check first which style the other would appreciate.
Bonus points if you explicitly put your partner in it. (“I like to imagine you sinking your teeth into me until I scream.” …)
This may be an odd quirk I have, but I wouldn’t enjoy reading a text where I’ve been written into someone’s fantasy script. Not even if it were written by my own partner. Strangely enough, the ‘I’ve been fantasising about you doing X’ written request variant wouldn’t be welcome to me.
If someone, hypothetically, wanted to communicate sex fantasies and wishes to me in writing instead of spoken word, rather than going the ‘I like to imagine you doing X’ route, I’d ask them to choose, for example, one of the following:
1. Requests: ‘Do you perhaps, some time, want to try out biting me really hard?’ (Written like a polite direct verbal request.)
2. Dry matter-of-fact lists and statements: ‘Things we could do: Biting me until I scream.’ (Yeah, not very romantic sounding, but it would work for me.)
3. Write a story in third person about completely fictional characters: ‘They did X and Y and Z,’ then shove it over to me with the note ‘This isn’t just some story I wrote for fun; every single thing they do in there is something I’d be interested in doing with you.’
All these styles, to me, could come across as open-ended requests, for me to decline if I don’t want to do them, or to keep in mind for future joyous occasions if I do want to do them.
Vice versa, I’d prefer writing 3. for roleplay stuff, and for other things direct requests 1. as in spoken word ‘Can I some time bite you really hard?’ (Which does not necessarily… um…)
Awesome comment as always, Ranai. I’m especially interested by your point about not writing your partner into the fantasy. Now that I think on it, I’ve got at least one past partner who might have reacted much better to my letters/notes if I’d done it third-person rather than directly … though it was a while ago, and I can’t be sure. He asked me to stop writing them after a while, but was never able to put his finger on why they made him uncomfortable. (I’ve had good results with other partners.)