Sex Communication Tactic Derived from S&M #1: Checklists
2010 14 Jun
I’ve often written that the BDSM community encourages really excellent sexual communication, and I’ve been meaning to write further about specifics for … um … years. (Oops.) So I’m finally getting around to describing one of my personal favorite sexual communication tactics: checklists!
S&M checklists are long lists of different acts that sexual partners can use to discuss different acts and measure each others’ interest in those acts. Here is an excellent example. Each act on the checklist usually looks something like this:
FLOGGING — GIVING __________________ O O O O O
FLOGGING — RECEIVING ______________ O O O O O
Each partner rates each entry by filling out 1-5 bubbles, with 1 darkened bubble meaning “Not interested” and 5 bubbles meaning “I crave this!”
I think this concept is brilliant because:
1) Too often, it’s assumed that “sex” encompasses certain acts, and if you’re interested in a sexual relationship you must be interested in all those acts. Or there’s assumed to be a kind of linear progression, as exemplified in the “base system” — you know, where “first base” is groping and “home base” is penis-in-vagina sex. (Man, I hate the base system.) Talking about each sexual act as its own self-contained idea short-circuits those problematic ideas about sex and makes it easier for couples to turn down some of the “assumed” acts (e.g., if I don’t want oral sex but I do want penis-in-vagina …).
2) It provides an easy way to communicate desires — if a person is nervous about saying, “Hey, is it okay if I flog you?” then the couple doesn’t even have to talk about it right away. They can just sit down, fill out their checklists and compare results without getting too worried about how to bring up certain desires. I mean, at some point of course they’ll hopefully talk about it, but hopefully the checklist framework makes it easier and lower-pressure.
3) Concurrently, it provides an easy way to turn down acts — it’s much harder to reject a lover’s proposition when ze says, “Darling, can I flog you?” than it is when you simply fill in one bubble on the “Flogging — Receiving” section. In the past, I’ve certainly felt a lot of anxiety when I wanted to turn down partners, and it’s nice to imagine a set-up that would have made me feel less anxious.
In fact, I love the checklist concept so much that when the University of Illinois at Chicago had me design my sexual communication workshop, I created a “vanilla” version of the checklist that had entries ranging from “oral sex” to “sex in public” to “tying up / being tied up”. (Okay, maybe it wasn’t entirely vanilla … well, I wanted to encourage people to voice things they weren’t sure about!) You can download my vanilla-ified checklist here. (Edit: A comment on this post alerted me to the Scarleteen version of a vanilla sexual checklist, which is way more comprehensive than mine! /end of edit)
Full disclosure: I’ve never actually used one of these myself — not my own, and not the BDSM version. (I think this is because once I got to the point where I was comfortable talking about these things, I had already researched the field somewhat and I had specific things in mind that I wanted to try.) So it’s entirely possible that many — or even most! — couples that use checklists find them totally lame and not useful. I just love the principle of the thing, though — the principle that a couple can have a lot of fun just by sitting down and talking about every conceivable sex act, being presented with some options that they maybe haven’t thought of before, and honestly describing how into each idea they each are.
Check out the second post in this series, Sex Communication Tactic Derived from S&M #2: Safewords and Check-Ins.
Tags: advice, BDSM, communication, community, pro-sex outreach, terms
Checklists can be especially useful for group scenarios. Eliminates the need to repeat information, eliminates the need to play telephone.
If there’s one complication to checklists as communication tools, however, I think it’s that they can make one feel locked into a particular set of “yes” and “no” answers (“But you said you were/weren’t into that! I have the documentation to prove it!”). In a moment of high arousal one might feel more experimental than a previous checklist could reflect, in a moment of vulnerability less so. I use checklists more as tools for self-reflection, and as vehicles for expressing the outcome of that self-reflection, lest they be interpreted (by a partner or by oneself) as some kind of contract.
Scarleteen recently put up a sort of vanilla checklist thing as well, and explaining why it’s a good idea:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist
I’m wondering if there isn’t a way to design a game around this that would make it easier to use in situations where it’s not two people who are already very intimate with each other but two people potentially just about to hook up or have an affair. Being able to actually include something like this *in* the moment, potentially even *as a tool*, may go a long way in preventing misunderstandings in early phases of sexual intimacy…
Off the top of my mind, maybe something like this – take turns in guessing the other one’s answer on each questino and the one who gets it right will get a kiss. And who gets the most kisses wins and then – if used as a seduction tool – gets to pick something from the list of the things he got right that the partner really likes to do… and then, if applicable, take turns with trying those things.
I think the only problem would be that people might view these as relatively impersonal, and so be less comfortable about presenting intimate information about themselves in this context. Especially if they’re insecure about sexual communication in the first place.
The core of it, though, is to present each sexual act as its own self-contained idea. Any way to design this in a non-made-for-internet way? I like the idea of the “game” presented above, but would there be a more casual, social way to present this? Something compatible with, say, flirting at a party/bar?
Matt, instead of the kissing example make it a drinking game – so if I played it with a girl, we’d both have our answers and a bottle of beer each and take turns guessing the other one’s answer. Whenever I’d guess her answer correctly, I’d get to drink, whenever she’d get one of my answers right, she’d get to drink – who first finishes the bottle wins (a kiss?) ;)
It may help to simplify the questionnaire for that purpose – three (yes/maybe/no) instead of five options.
Wow, I’m owned by the Scarleteen version. I like mine, but theirs is better! I comfort myself with the knowledge that if they posted theirs recently, I’m still on record as having the idea first. :grin:
Sam, I think your idea is totally brilliant — I don’t think it even really needs any modification. Sort of like those silly “sex dice” that people can throw to generate different “options”, except it would be focused on the partners’ actual preferences and much more adaptable to the moment.
Reposting, due to technical glitch on my part.
I’ve been a fan of kink checklists for some time, but honestly have only used them on online kink sites (bondage.com springs to mind). However, this does give me the idea to program such a checklist to where it only shows the matches. Example: maybe you’re into golden showers but are shy about putting that out there. With a “match-only” list, your potential playmate won’t even know you were into it unless they were, too. I might also add a “done it” vs. “want to try it” flag. Hmm, possible addition to my site, perhaps? :)
@Sammael — Imagine if that were worked into the FetLife fetish lists?
That checklist won’t work for me. :(
I suppose I could just try and turn it into a big long table, sigh.
@maggie — Could you be more specific? I uploaded it as a DOC file and there’s nothing special about it, formatting-wise … I could email it to you as an RTF if that would help.
I’ve been through it a couple of times, at the end all my answer disappear. And it won’t let me email it or anything.
@maggie — If you are talking about the DOC file “Leadership in the Bedroom worksheet”, I’m not sure what you mean, because the file isn’t designed to be “filled out” on the computer in the way you seem to be implying. If you’re talking about one of the other links I provided, you’ll have to get in touch with the administrators on those websites ….
Here‘s a cool ‘not quite a checklist’ tool that a bright spark invented for those a little shy about their interests. The basic jist is two people rank their interest in a bunch of stuff, and at the end both are shown only the things where there is mutual interest. I’d love to see one with a much wider set of topics, but it’s not a bat start.