Kink bloggers open thread: how do you feel about BDSM blogging?
2010 13 Apr
A while back I wrote a post called Where Are All The Male Dominant Bloggers?, because I didn’t feel like there are very many male dominant bloggers out there. I recently discovered that before my post, Thomas over at Yes Means Yes wrote one called Where Are The Women Tops? Where Are The Men Bottoms? Which just goes to show.
So you know what I think we need? A Kink Bloggers Open Thread! If you know about an awesome BDSM blogger, post ‘em. If you yourself are a BDSM blogger, post about that. Any gender, sex, orientation, whatever is welcome. If you feel like adding any special details, you can talk about what you like best about the blog(s) you’re posting.
Also, I would love to have some cross-talk on the following Exciting Questions!
1) Do you have any frustrations about kink blogging?
1a) Are there any topics you’re nervous about or afraid of posting about? Why?
2) Do you think you have weaknesses as a kink blogger?
3) Hey, what do you actually like about being a kink blogger?
4) Do you blog under your real name? How many people who know you in the mainstream world know about your blog?
5) Got any questions you want to ask other kink bloggers?
Tags: BDSM, blogosphere, community, open thread
Can’t actually answer your questions there, but I think it’s telling which question didn’t get asked.
Sex bloggers (and, to a lesser extent, kink bloggers), seem to get some degree of popularity from the degree to which they can meet conventional standards of “sexy.” Which isn’t to say that folks who don’t meet that norm get totally ignored, but you need something, whether it’s luck, connections or just damn good writing, to overcome that initial lack of interest. (And a lot of folks, I suspect, don’t even try.)
Well, there’s a whole range of missions, right? I’m not a kink blogger in the sense of writing about kink so that kinky people find it hot. I’m a feminist and kinkster and I write feminist stuff from the perspective of a BDSMer, but my mission is activist and theoretical rather than erotic. There are folks that primarily write what they find hot, and there are folks that span that spectrum.
There’s a lot of stuff I don’t say. I pretty much ignore that I top a lot because my spouse is very uncomfortable with the specifics of what she does as a bottom being discussed on blogs — we each sort of consider what we do as bottoms personal to us, and I choose to share more, and she chooses to share much less. And there are things that I do that I don’t write about because they just gross people out.
I have plenty of weaknesses. I write too fast, edit too little, and I’m a snarky, judgmental asshole who doesn’t play well in the sandbox. But you knew that.
I like not being silent when I think I have something to say that other people might not say. I have a lot more to say than I thought I would when I agreed to contribute to YMY Blog. Originally I figured I’d post four or five times and the rest of the prolific and smart bloggers would run away with it, and I would really enjoy reading the blog and every once in a while I’d post. That’s not what happened.
I blog under a pseud. Very few people know.
@JFP — Which question do you mean — do you mean the question “How did you get started”?
Being young and thin, I’ve had to resist the urge to capitalize on my appearance. In my old career as a game writer it was suggested that I could make a killing by being more willing to exploit my femaleness and cuteness. I was never willing. I think these days I would feel less bad about doing so (not sure why — maybe I’ve just broken so many feminist molds, it seems easy to break another) but the question is sort of obviated by my unwillingness to come out of the closet and, therefore, post pictures. (Though if my Time Out blog ever happens … I did have an interesting face-free photo session with them that’s pretty sexy. We’ll see what happens with that.)
@Thomas — I pretty much ignore that I top a lot because my spouse is very uncomfortable with the specifics of what she does as a bottom being discussed on blogs — we each sort of consider what we do as bottoms personal to us, and I choose to share more, and she chooses to share much less.
That’s interesting. I’ve done public topping and bottoming, but I’ve noticed that I like public topping more in general and feel less comfortable with public bottoming.
It was funny when I realized how many kink bloggers solely blog about, you know, actually doing BDSM, and not about BDSM theory. Like, way more, in fact. The thought never even crossed my mind. When I write about kink I’ve done, it’s always to make a point or explore a conundrum. I guess I’m weird.
I post over at Topologies. I love that I share my blog with two other women who I respect and who do not always agree with me. And as for your questions:
1) Do you have any frustrations about kink blogging?
Sure. I’m frustrated by the misunderstandings, the derailings, the worries about being recognized. The struggle between wanting to be open and clear as possible, and not wanting to be so open that being outed would devastating or that dirty details will distract from my point.
1a) Are there any topics you’re nervous about or afraid of posting about? Why?
I’m a bit nervous about posting actual stories of doing BDSM.
I’m also nervous about posting about some of the darker stuff, because frankly, there’s a reason why we talk so much about SSC and RACK. But there are all these weird hazy places that are okay in some contexts, and it’s hard to figure out how to write publicly about them.
Also, goofy mishaps. I’m beyond tempted to write about my self-suspension silliness and the time a gag led to my jaw making scary popping noises for the next day. But for some reason I just keep putting it off.
2) Do you think you have weaknesses as a kink blogger?
Too much rambling, not enough editing.
3) Hey, what do you actually like about being a kink blogger?
The interaction and discussions! And perhaps even more than that, the people who post or email about how reassuring they find my blog. I love feeling like I’m helping people feel a little less sidelined and alone.
4) Do you blog under your real name? How many people who know you in the mainstream world know about your blog?
Nope. A lot of my real-life kinky friends know that this is me, but I trust their discretion.
5) Got any questions you want to ask other kink bloggers?
What bdsm and bdsm theory related issues do you think remain which we really need to address?
1) Do you have any frustrations about kink blogging?
Not enough time to write about all the things I want to write about!
1a) Are there any topics you’re nervous about or afraid of posting about? Why?
- Transphobia/ AntiTrans sentiment in some kinky spaces and in some feminist spaces- because I’m worried as cis woman I’m going to get stuff wrong and be a bad ally, even though that stuff upsets me.
- My fondness for choke holds/ breath play… it does appear to be a taboo subject in lots of kinky resources and blogs.
- My partner’s interest in cross dressing- I’m worried I’ll seem like I’m objectifying him because I find gender fluidity and queerness unbelievably sexay.
- Feminist topics that intersect with my work- the fear there is that I’ll write something that will damage me professionally (oh wait! I forgot! some people think the kink stuffs means you’re a weirdo! Silly me!)
2) Do you think you have weaknesses as a kink blogger?
Not finishing posts… taking forever to write them…. that would be as a blogger more generally… as a kinky blogger I probably don’t write enough sexy story type posts (in fact I’m not sure I ever have…) and I worry I use the word patriarchy too much…
3) Hey, what do you actually like about being a kink blogger?
Being able to create my own space to think about my stuff.
More recently having my partner’s involvement with the taking of pictures of shoes…
4) Do you blog under your real name? How many people who know you in the mainstream world know about your blog?
I blog under a semi-pseud, Lissy is my scene name… people who know me know I blog… I just direct very few of my RL friends to where that actually is… in fact apart from my partner only one friend knows where my blog is- the rest are too lazy to google.
5) Got any questions you want to ask other kink bloggers?
Nope!
@JFP Are you saying the goal of every kinky blogger is to be popular? confused…
@C: I guess I’m weird.
Nope, I do not think you’re weird in this at all.
I meant that there are folks asking “where are all the male dominant bloggers?”, “where are all the women tops?”, and “where are all the male bottoms?”, but nobody has to ask where women bottoms/subs are, because that feeds into mainstream ideas of “sexy” and garners attention, whether that was an intended goal or not.
Ahhh! I follow now, I plead I hadn’t had any coffee yet…
1a) Are there any topics you’re nervous about or afraid of posting about? Why?
Anything I feel nervous about putting on my main blog (which isn’t purely kink) I put on my extremely dark sex and fantasy blog, which is appropriately called And You Thought I Was Sweet.
2) Do you think you have weaknesses as a kink blogger?
I don’t blog about kink often enough! Like other commenters I rarely edit but just bash away at the keyboard until I’m done!
3) Hey, what do you actually like about being a kink blogger?
It’s a space where I can talk about the stuff that’s a part of me, that maybe I can’t talk about in other places so much.
4) Do you blog under your real name? How many people who know you in the mainstream world know about your blog?
I don’t use my real name: if anyone cared to find it out they probably could, though. Only people whom I know and trust know about the dark sex blog; a few more know about A Femanist View, but I’m cautious about that one as well because of the kink that sometimes goes on there.
@Cal — What bdsm and bdsm theory related issues do you think remain which we really need to address?
Oooh! Good question! I’ve got such a long list of things to post about, but some things include: communication tactics commonly accepted in the BDSM community that are also awesome for vanilla sex and reducing non-consensual sex, and how we can promote those outside the community; how sexual evolution works and can be facilitated even among people who are hesitant and/or confused; deconstructing BDSM stigma … so much!
@lissy — as a kinky blogger I probably don’t write enough sexy story type posts
What makes you say “not enough”?
@Snowdrop — This reminds me, I’ve had trouble commenting at your place. Though I think this might be common to blogspot blogs, since I’ve had trouble with a few others too. I’ve got a really slow connection here so maybe that’s part of it?
@JFP — I’m not sure about that … I think submissive women often deal with a lot of stigma on our own. Could be that we’re more common within the community, though. Still, I wouldn’t say I’ve seen more interesting blogs by submissive women than by other-oriented kinksters.
@ Clarisse: I was sorta- half joking… when I first had my “Oh my god I’m kinky! Not just sexually adventurous- I’m bloody kinky!” realisation, I went searching through kinky blogs and it seemed that every submissive woman was writing about their hawt scenes and fantasies… which wasn’t quite what I was looking for… fortunately there was a BDSM flame war in the feminist blog sphere (which I was lurking in) around this time and I found Let Them Eat Pro-SM Feminist Safe Spaces and from there I was then able to find other kinky bloggers who were less… “My master is the most fantastic and domly dominant who ever did dom and last night he did this to me…”
I still quite haven’t got rid of my initial impression that proper kinky bloggers write about hawtness and do sex toy reviews…
@lissy — Hahahaha. You make me really glad that my intro to the BDSM blogosphere was Let Them Eat Pro-SM Feminist Safe Spaces (by googling “BDSM liberation” or something like that). If I’d only been reading about hawt scenes then I would have been so bored.
@Snowdrop — This reminds me, I’ve had trouble commenting at your place. Though I think this might be common to blogspot blogs, since I’ve had trouble with a few others too. I’ve got a really slow connection here so maybe that’s part of it?
Thanks for the heads-up. I’ve added my email address (with appropriate protection against spammers) to the bottom of the comments policy page at A Femanist View: if you have trouble commenting you can use that instead (letting me know which post it is you want me to add the comment to).
I hope this helps, and I’ll look forward to seeing what you have to say :-)
Oooh! Good question! I’ve got such a long list of things to post about, but some things include: communication tactics commonly accepted in the BDSM community that are also awesome for vanilla sex and reducing non-consensual sex, and how we can promote those outside the community; how sexual evolution works and can be facilitated even among people who are hesitant and/or confused; deconstructing BDSM stigma … so much!
I’d love to hear the rest of the list! Those are really great already. I certainly thing about the first and third a lot and should probably write more about them myself. Facilitating sexual evolution seems more confusing to me. I’m not entirely sure what you mean by that, even. Mind explaining further?
@Cal — I’ve been thinking about explaining but it seems easier to just write the key post. Will probably take me a few weeks, but I’ll let you know when it’s done.
Interesting discussion.
The whole reason I started blogging was that there’s no conversation I could part take in, where I live. Amongst my friends, anyway. After trying in vain to get a connection that obviously wasn’t going to happen with my terribly wonderful and intimate but vanilla friends, I was led (by google) to your blog among others.
I wouldn’t blog under my real name, not this honestly, and for it to be really an exploration of my sexuality and not an act for the readers, I guess I need it to be anonymous.
I am a writer and therefore struggle with the obviously erotica styled posts I’ve managed to write so far, but because it is what I am trying to explore, I’m trying to forgive myself for being somewhat more pornish than theoretical. But like you, I’m still trying to represent the sex positive feministic view I have, and the troubles and mixed feelings that come with it.
I can’t really read most of the sexy posts about female submission (my thing), because it makes me really anxious and intimidated. So, I’ve been reading femdom and mansub blogs to rediscover myself. Relating to the mansub’s feelings is way easier for my hang-ups. And still the things I would be anxious about in another one’s blog, are the things I’m excitedly writing in my own blog…
So there. That’s my view on (my) kink blogging.
@RogueBambi — I can’t really read most of the sexy posts about female submission (my thing), because it makes me really anxious and intimidated
If you feel comfortable discussing this, I would be interested in the details of why you think it makes you so uncomfortable.
Thanks for a great discussion. I am a switch, but I mostly write about my experiences as a sub, and reflect on where my kinks come from emotionally. There’s lots of feelings on my blog– littlegirlyone.wordpress.com.
1) Do you have any frustrations about kink blogging?
Yes, I wish I could be open about who I am and not have to worry that I will lose my professional and social standing. I put hours and hours of work into my blog, and I have to keep it secret from almost everyone in my “real” life. I also can’t take credit for my work, say, in a job interview (I blog about sex–it’s really popular…) That’s a bummer.
1a) Are there any topics you’re nervous about or afraid of posting about? Why?
I have some darker fantasies about non-consent and ageplay that I don’t like to write about publicly. I still have a hard time writing about my Daddy on my blog because I feel like a lot of people are offended by it and don’t understand what Daddy/little girl is all about. I worry that people think I’m a pedophile, or that he is. I don’t want to be judged.
2) Do you think you have weaknesses as a kink blogger?
I tend to be too hard on myself. I proof too much, reading and re-reading. It slows my posting down. Also, I’ve been known to take some pretty long, unannounced breaks (like, almost a year without posting once). So I guess you could say I’m inconsistent.
3) Hey, what do you actually like about being a kink blogger?
Someone already said this, but I love getting emails or comments from people that feel empowered, or lose some of their shame by reading me. They usually write about how they thought they were the only ones with that fantasy, and they found it deeply gratifying to read it somewhere else. That’s really when I feel like I’m making a worthy contribution to the world.
4) Do you blog under your real name? How many people who know you in the mainstream world know about your blog?
No, I use an alias. And a number of my real world friends know about my blog, but only like 3 of them have the url. Otherwise, they just have general knowledge that I am a sex blogger.
5) Got any questions you want to ask other kink bloggers?
No, but I am loving this thread. Thanks for starting it. I’m subscribing :)
This is what I meant about facilitating sexual evolution:
http://clarissethorn.wordpress.com/2010/05/28/sexual-openness-2-ways-to-encourage-it/
1) Do you have any frustrations about kink blogging?
Kink blogs are widely read by kinksters. My writing style tends to use a lot of anecdotes and stories involving people I know and people I’ve met. Often friends or at least people who I’d rather not be pissed at me – since I’m actively involved in the local scene and don’t want the drama. So I have a hard time balancing my inclination to talk about topics using anecdotes that the people involved in might recognize/be offended by. Also – the name I’m using here is the name normally attached to my blogging and the name that I use when I post/contribute to kink forums – so all of my friends know me as Scootah – it’s pretty tracable.
I’m sometimes frustrated by reader perception of bdsm and swinging as joined concepts – but that’s a pretty minor thing and understandable given the nature of the relationshipos I write about.
1a) Are there any topics you’re nervous about or afraid of posting about? Why?
Some topics tie pretty closely to my relationships. If I’m writing something that my wife or our submissives are going to read and talking about them – I’m always a little bit nervous. I mean I love talking about how awesome they are – but sometimes I write about the issues or difficulties in our relationships – and it’s challenging to write about that in a way that’s truthful, clear, honest and not hurtful to the other people involved, or biased to my side of the disagreement.
2) Do you think you have weaknesses as a kink blogger?
I’m awful at updating :$
3) Hey, what do you actually like about being a kink blogger?
I DM and do Demo’s at some club nights, and I completely get off on introducing people to kink. Giving someone their first flogging or first play session. It’s a rush. I remember with perfect clarity the first public kink night I went too and the first person I played with in that context. I tried a violet wand at a demo that night, and years later violet wands are still one of my favourite toys. I get a pretty simmilar rush from helping people find their own kinks and find enough comfort to try stuff/join the scene. It’s narcissistic and selfish – but it feels great.
4) Do you blog under your real name? How many people who know you in the mainstream world know about your blog?
No. I work in IT and I’ve seen a lot of coworkers get grief when their personals profiles did laps aorund the office or something. I also sometimes work with quite conservative clients – so it’s just better to keep a layer of abstraction between my professional identity and my kink writings. I wish I had the discipline/talent/audience to not need that abstraction. I wish I could make a living from writing about kink. That’d be awesome.
@Scootah — I mean I love talking about how awesome they are – but sometimes I write about the issues or difficulties in our relationships – and it’s challenging to write about that in a way that’s truthful, clear, honest and not hurtful to the other people involved, or biased to my side of the disagreement.
Yeah, tell me about it! These days I almost always try to get explicit consent from whoever I’m writing about, before I post whatever it is.
IT seems to be one of those professions where kink stigma is weakest, but I’m not surprised that it still exists.
@Clarisse – it’s kind of a weird issue. In most ‘pure’ IT jobs – nobody would care, or I’d be awesome. Most of my coworkers would look at my relationship and ignore everything except the fact that I’m sexually active with multiple women women, and to the frame of reference that they have available – that would make me awesome and fantastic.
When I bring up the fact that I had a long duration boyfriend in a previous relationship iteration – I get a much more awkward response. Being awesome and heterosexual is processable. Being awesome while having t3h gh3y however… And while I identify as bisexual, and am primarily attracted to women – most hetrosexual, vanilla guys who I’m likely to work with either don’t get the difference, or just see bisexual as gay in denial. And then comes the incredibly awkward moment at a work drinks event when someone tries to set me up with their gay friend – who I have nothing in common with, no shared interests and no chemistry or attraction to. It’s just generally a nuisance.
It’s partly a level of detail thing. Three female sexual partners and doing abstract ‘kinky bdsm shit’ is awesome. Once I start sharing details (ie the stuff I might blog about) like putting someone in a carotid choke to render them unconscious as part of a forced/non-consent scene, burning my mark into someone with a heated probe and getting turned on by the smell of them burning, beating a girl welted and bloody from knees to neck, etc – all gets a little too confronting for most of my reasonably hip coworkers and becomes an issue.
It also comes down to the nature of the IT work. If I was say a developer working for a funky dev shop with staff graphic designers and a call center full of hipsters in a CBD – I could probably be much more comfortably out.
As it is, I do corporate operations at a pretty high level, for major enterprise – so a large part of my role is management consulting with very conservative executives and information gathering and training very rural/traditionalist blue collar types.
While my being ‘outed’ in a limited sense to my coworkers will probably get a bit of water cooler gossip and a few titters, it’ll mostly be a non issue. On the other hand if I were outed in full graphic detail will make work awkward and difficult and may impact the willingness of some of my clients to work with me. Even if the client issue never actually comes up – if my employers/future employers are aware that information that might prejudice prospective clients is easily obtainable, it will slow down my career options – etc.